Many people complain that their partner always gives in to their annoying family members after entering into an intimate relationship. These disappointments accumulate over time and eventually lead to tension in the relationship. We often have unrealistic and overly complex views about the ideal state of an intimate relationship. We act as if love means merging two lives completely and being perfectly aligned with our partner in every aspect. However, if we simplify things and free ourselves from overly complex conflicts, we realize that all we truly need is the kindness, empathy, and understanding of our partner.
After being in a relationship for a while, many people privately admit that they are frustrated and disappointed with the person they chose to share their life with. If asked for details, they can easily come up with a list of complaints. Their partner is too loyal to their annoying family, doesn’t share their views on the living room layout, never wants to go camping, plays tennis every Wednesday evening, doesn’t like Moroccan food, doesn’t share their enthusiasm for 19th-century Russian novels, and says “actually” too much, even when it’s unnecessary. As the list grows, they sigh. They still love their partner and long to be happy together. However, it seems impossibly complicated to make the relationship work.
This frustration doesn’t stem from falling for an unsuitable partner, but from the fact that we have all inherited overly complicated ideas about what a relationship should be. We are told that love involves merging two lives entirely. We expect a loving couple to live in the same house, eat the same meals together every night, share the same bed, go to sleep and wake up at the same time, have sex only with each other, see each other’s families regularly, have all their friends in common, and think the same thoughts about everything. This is a beautiful yet hellish vision because it places an impossibly punitive burden of expectation on another human.
We believe that our partner should be right for us in every way. If they’re not, we try to convince them to change. However, there is another perspective: relationships don’t have to be so complicated or ambitious. What actually makes them fulfilling in the end is what we should keep in mind. Essentially, there are three things we want from a lover. First is kindness: a partner who is gentle with our imperfections and can humorously tolerate us as we are. Second is shared vulnerability: someone with whom we can openly discuss our anxieties, worries, and problems that upset our balance. We don’t have to put on a good front around this person. We can be weak, vulnerable, and honest with them, and they can be the same with us. Third, we want understanding: someone interested in and able to make sense of the obscure aspects of our minds, such as our obsessions, preoccupations, and worldview. We want someone whom we are excited to understand in turn.
If we have these three critical ingredients, we will feel loved and satisfied, regardless of any differences that arise in other areas. Perhaps our partner’s friends or routines won’t delight us, but we’ll still be content. Likewise, if we lack these emotional necessities yet agree on every detail of European literature, interior design, and social existence, we’re still likely to feel lonely and bereft. By lowering our expectations of a relationship, we can overcome the bad temper and tyranny that plague so many couples. A good, simpler, yet fulfilling relationship could be minimal. We might not socialize much together. We might hardly ever meet each other’s families. Our finances might only overlap in a few areas. We could live in different places and only meet up twice a week. We might not ask each other too many questions about our sex lives. However, when we are together, it is profoundly gratifying because we are in the presence of someone who knows how to be kind, vulnerable, and understanding.
A bond between two people can be deep and important precisely because it isn’t played out across all the practical details of existence. By simplifying and clarifying the purpose of a relationship, we free ourselves from overly complicated conflicts and focus on our urgent need to be understood and seen.
