Eva is a good friend whom I met through dancing. She and her boyfriend are the only middle-aged couple I know who have been together for so long. At a party, everyone asked them what their secret was to maintaining such a close relationship.
“Playing together.”
They are currently learning swing dance, and they also go hiking and play badminton together.
Though it may seem that their energy is focused outside the relationship, playing together actually nourishes it. I later found similar conclusions in many psychological studies.
Playing can strengthen emotional bonds, alleviate conflicts, enhance long-term relationship satisfaction and happiness, and benefit one’s sex life.
Love may require more than just “talking”; it may also require “playing.” In this article, we’ll discuss the often underestimated “relationship lubricant” of playing together in long-term intimate relationships.
01
Why are some people more likely to fall in love?
It might be because they know how to play.
Eva once shared with me the most precious childhood memory her father gave her. He often took her out to play and encouraged her, an introverted child, to play with other kids.
“My father told me that as long as I knew how to play, he wouldn’t worry because I could make friends that way.”
This is one of the often-overlooked benefits of playing: it helps people break down social barriers and form new friendships more easily. Potential romantic partners may be among them.
A study examined the role of games and playfulness in adult life by surveying 837 adults. Half of the participants defined play as a social behavior and emphasized its importance in social situations.
This partly explains why some people find it easier to make friends and have richer emotional experiences—they are probably good at playing.
The study also found that “playfulness” is a personality trait that people often look for in a potential partner and that it may serve as a signal in mate selection.
The two researchers categorized playfulness as a positive personality trait because it is correlated with behaviors that promote social relationships. These behaviors include spending time with loved ones, being kind (i.e., being empathetic and caring about others), and having social intelligence (i.e., understanding others’ motives and needs and resolving conflicts constructively).
Playfulness may also be associated with secure attachment. People learn social skills, boundaries, and understanding of others’ needs through play, which makes them more likely to have positive views about romantic relationships.
Good friends and lovers are hard to come by, but if you can do something about it, go out and play!
02
Play fosters affection
You may have had similar experiences: during play, you feel more relaxed, happier, and more fond of the people around you—even strangers—and your “affinity” increases. Play seems to awaken a certain “affection” within us.
To better understand this feeling, consider how your attitude toward colleagues and clients at work differs when that sense of “love” seems to disappear.
Under this “affection,” intimate relationships naturally improve. Psychologists have provided ample evidence to support this, such as research findings that:
Playing stimulates positive emotions, which helps build interpersonal relationships or strengthen social bonds. From a biological perspective, these positive emotions often facilitate successful courtship.
Using nicknames for spouses, such as “little piggy,” is a typical form of other-directed play. The more nicknames used, the higher the marital satisfaction. Feel free to share your “gross” nicknames in the comments section!
Researchers also found that stress reduction may be an important mediating factor in this process. When people are in a safe and comfortable state, they can express themselves more freely and openly.
Another important factor is laughter. People laugh during play, and laughter enhances current emotions and strengthens emotional connections with others.
When both partners laugh heartily, it’s difficult to feel aversion toward each other. You just want to get closer.
03
Couples who frequently engage in play together
also experience better sexual experiences
In the early stages of developing an intimate relationship, people often worry about its uncertainty. “What does that statement really mean?” “Why are they reluctant to commit?”
As the relationship stabilizes, however, concerns shift to the opposite extreme: the relationship becomes too stable, leading to stagnation. This often manifests as changes in sexual activity.
A “sexless” state is very common in long-term relationships, especially marriages. A 2022 Japanese survey of 8,000 people aged 20 to 49 regarding sexual activity revealed:
▨ 45.3% of women and 44.5% of men reported having no sexual partners in the past year;
▨ 27.8% of women and 23.1% of men reported being satisfied with their sexual lives; 26% of women and 46.4% of men reported wanting to increase the frequency of their sexual activities;
▨ Only 13.0% of women and 13.2% of men reported having sexual intercourse at least once a week in the past year (including sexual activities with commercial sex workers).
The good news is that playfulness can significantly enhance sexual experiences within intimate relationships.
Researchers found that sexual satisfaction between partners is reflected to some extent in playfulness. Playfulness signifies trust, mutual acceptance, prioritizing pleasure, the freedom to be oneself, and a high regard for the relationship—all of which are prerequisites for positive sexual experiences.
Another study that conducted qualitative focus group interviews with BDSM practitioners found that BDSM is an intimate adult game through which people experience social roles, customs, and language. Participating in such games also helps build and maintain intimate relationships.
Play creates a sense of novelty beyond daily life, and this “novelty experience” can activate the brain’s reward system, producing chemical reactions similar to those experienced during the honeymoon phase.
Play and sex share a similar essence; they are both about “having fun.” When you and your partner learn to find joy in life, this pleasure and vitality will naturally extend to your sex life.
04
Play alleviates conflict
and helps you communicate better
Intimate relationships inevitably involve conflict. After conducting long-term tracking studies of numerous couples, psychologist John Gottman discovered that about 70% of conflicts in intimate relationships are “permanent,” meaning the partners will always have these differences.
Therefore, a good relationship is not one without conflict, but one that resolves conflicts constructively and coexists with them. “Play” can be helpful in this regard.
Research has shown that teasing, role-playing, and other playful interactions provide a means to express intimacy and alleviate tension in interpersonal conflicts. Discussing sensitive topics through games can reduce defensive attitudes.
Eva and I have discussed this as well. She and her boyfriend often argue about their differing views on spending. Eva has a more relaxed relationship with money and prefers to enjoy it in the moment. Her boyfriend, however, lacks financial security, is frugal, and is not accustomed to expressing “love” through spending.
After each play session, they discussed their uncomfortable feelings about the issue or important financial decisions. During these conversations, they rarely argued. They prefer to listen and are more open about expressing their vulnerabilities than entering into a “battle” immediately.
Although discussing these issues doesn’t fundamentally change their differences, they strive to find a balance between understanding each other and meeting their own needs.
“The sweet moments we’ve accumulated together help us cope with the challenging parts of our relationship,” Eva believes. “This is more effective than many communication techniques I’ve learned.”
05
Relationships require not only “face-to-face”
but also “side-by-side”
People typically understand a good intimate relationship to require “face-to-face” interaction, where partners see each other and emphasize deep conversation and emotional intimacy. While this is important, people often overlook the other side of the relationship.
you also need “side-by-side.”
This refers to the idea that long-term relationships require building connections through shared activities to create a sense of belonging, shifting the focus from “me and you” to “we.” According to Gottman, long-term partners maintain relationship vitality by “co-creating meaning.”
Many couples achieve this by raising a child together or starting a business, but a lighter option is playing together.
Participating in an activity together and integrating into a community with shared interests and hobbies can strengthen the sense of belonging and the idea that “we are part of the same world.” This can also deepen mutual recognition and support for each other’s choices.
Perhaps many factors may initially attract you to each other and start a relationship. But it is a deep sense of belonging and trust that will make a relationship last.
06
The older you get,
the more you need to find some fun.
Play isn’t just beneficial for young couples. A study of 116 middle-aged and elderly couples (with a median age of 54 for women and 57 for men) found that play significantly improved their relationship satisfaction.
In fact, it may even be more important. As we enter middle age, our sense of self becomes more complete and solidified, and we no longer enter a relationship with a huge void. If we no longer need each other as much, how can we build a more meaningful connection?
“Have some fun.”
When we are no longer driven by fear to build relationships, but by fun and passion, it becomes easier to form deeper connections with others.
Some friends might ask, “OK, having fun is great, but what if I’ve never been good at it?”
Don’t be discouraged. Playfulness is a personality trait, but it’s not innate. It’s related to cognitive flexibility and a positive mindset, and it can be cultivated over time. By consciously participating in playful activities and maintaining an open attitude, we can all gradually develop a more playful personality.
In his book A Playful Path, renowned American game designer Bernie DeKoven states: Playfulness Isn’t Just About Participating in Structured Games, It’s a Mindset That Can Transform Everyday Experiences.”
He encourages people to embrace playful behaviors in daily life, such as enjoying unrestricted playtime, finding humor in everyday situations, and creating fun challenges.
The most important aspect is fun—the essence of playfulness is the pursuit of pleasurable activities, especially “doing fun things with others.”
May you and your partner find your own joy, and may you encounter like-minded people in your quest for fun.
A playful path is the shortest road to happiness.
— Bernie DeKoven
