The decision of whether to stay or leave a relationship is a dilemma many people face. When we are angry, we may feel that our partner is completely worthless and that staying in the relationship is a loss. However, once the anger subsides, we may remember the good things about our partner.
I have a friend who has been torn about whether to break up for six months.
She feels drained because she always gives more in the relationship while her partner is “unreliable.” After accompanying her through her rants and repeatedly hearing her say, “I’ll break up soon,” I’ve grown numb to it. They’re still together.
Then one day she suddenly said, “I realized I still need intimacy. Even if it’s a bad relationship, it’s better than no relationship at all.” That’s when I realized she might want to leave but isn’t ready to face the consequences.
Today’s article is about why we find it so hard to leave a “bad” relationship and how to make the “right” choice in such situations.
01
A “worthless” relationship doesn’t cause hesitation.
It’s the “mixed” ones that make us hesitate.
Many people struggle with questions like “Why can’t I leave someone who’s completely worthless?” and “They’ve done terrible things. Why can’t I just cut ties?” We don’t realize that perhaps the other person isn’t truly “worthless,” but rather fulfills many of our hidden yet important needs.
We don’t realize that perhaps the other person isn’t truly “worthless,” but rather fulfills many of our important, albeit hidden, needs.
For example:
- They may be incapable of doing anything, yet their presence makes you feel needed and valued. Being with such a person makes you feel good and powerful.
- They may not be mature or steady, but being with them feels relaxed and free without too many practical pressures.
- Though they lack respect and empathy, they provide good material conditions.
- Though their presence is painful, it helps you avoid loneliness. For you, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all.
This is the most complex aspect of intimate relationships. They are not like choosing a product and cannot be judged simply by listing pros and cons. Sometimes, the pros and cons are two sides of the same coin.
Becoming a partner with someone means the two of you become intertwined, like capillaries. The other person helps shape your lifestyle, emotional structure, and even your sense of self. Separating from them inevitably means tearing a part of yourself apart as well.
Research shows that relationships often fluctuate, whether in the heat of passion or in a long-term marriage. Approximately 20%-35% of people in intimate relationships experience varying degrees of high entanglement, particularly in the early stages of dating and the middle stages of marriage. As a relationship reaches a certain stage, it is a natural process to reflect on whether to commit to a long-term relationship.
Individuals in highly conflicted relationships simultaneously harbor strong desires to “stay” and “leave,” as if they are in a tug-of-war being pulled in opposite directions. They are easily influenced by trivial matters in daily life. For example, if their partner cooks dinner one day, they may think, “They’re still pretty good,” but if their partner is late for a date the next day, they may think, “I’ve had enough of this.”
Although common, this phenomenon can be extremely painful. People with high levels of indecision tend to be less satisfied with and less committed to their relationships, and are at higher risk of psychological distress, such as anxiety and depression.
02
True awakening is not “goal awakening.”
but “cost awakening.”
“Awakening” means knowing not just “I want to leave,” but also “I have to pay the price.” Awakening to goals is not true awakening. Every decision comes with a cost. Awakening to the cost is true awakening.
This statement elegantly highlights this dilemma. We often think we lack the courage to make choices, but, in reality, we haven’t seen the costs we’ll face after making them.
Psychological research indicates that breakups and divorces are not merely the end of a relationship, but rather a multidimensional “self-reconstruction,” with costs far more complex than the act of “separating” itself.
The five common types of losses include:
1) Emotional pain:
Breakups in long-term relationships and divorces are fundamentally viewed as major primary losses. It is not merely the loss of a person, but also the “death of a relationship.”
Scholars studying divorce and grief, such as Berry, argue that the emotions arising from divorce can sometimes be more complex than those arising from death. Beyond sadness and grief, feelings of injury, resentment, jealousy, and blame may arise and persist due to ongoing interaction with the former partner.
2) Identity Crisis:
Partners often play a significant role in shaping our life arrangements, identity, and social positioning. The breakdown of a relationship transforms “us” into “me.” Not only is intimacy lost, but also companionship and support. Additionally, the certainty that comes with social roles such as “wife” or “husband” is potentially lost.
For many people, long-term relationships and marriages involve building an important shared reality. A breakup or divorce means that the life plans and shared dreams built with a partner collapse, leaving individuals feeling a sudden loss of control over their future. They may feel as if their life has derailed and question the meaning of life.
3) Loss of Resources:
Divorce often involves dividing property, assets, and debts, which can significantly impact one’s economic status. If there are children involved, disputes over custody and child support may also arise.
4) Decline in self-esteem:
Divorcees often experience a sense of failure linked to self-denial following the breakdown of the relationship. Public prejudice against divorce can cause individuals to feel ashamed, which exacerbates this sense of failure. This hinders psychological and social recovery and reinforces a negative spiral of declining well-being.
5) Physical symptoms:
Studies show that the end of long-term relationships can lead to sleep disorders, weakened immunity, chronic pain, and other physical and mental distress. These symptoms can persistently impact resilience and quality of life, especially when individuals struggle to manage their emotions and lack a supportive social network.
Beyond the costs of separation, another reality is often overlooked: staying together also comes at a cost.
The theories of loss aversion and status quo bias tell us that people naturally resist losing what they already have. This causes them to ignore the fact that maintaining the status quo is also a cost.
- By repeatedly tolerating a partner’s neglect, indifference, and half-heartedness, you may become increasingly anxious and self-doubting, and your self-esteem may suffer.
- You may lose hope in intimate relationships and reduce your cherished desires for intimacy, growth, and companionship to “just getting by.”
- Under the guise of love, you may gradually lose the ability to recognize true love. In a toxic codependent relationship, you may lose the ability to face life independently.
These “costs” are not always dramatic. They are like a chronic illness, slowly eroding our beliefs, self-esteem, vitality, and imagination for the future. Often, people only realize how much they have lost when their relationships collapse, their health deteriorates, and their lives spiral out of control.
03
How to Make a Decision That You Won’t Regret
Even if you end up regretting it,
You will no longer blame yourself for it.
Step 1: Identify what you are truly afraid of. Create a “cost list.”
The key to decision-making is considering not only “what I want,” but also “what I am willing to sacrifice for it.” Create a “cost list” for each possible choice.
● If I leave this relationship, what will I face?
Loneliness? Financial pressure? The loss of my identity in an intimate relationship? The need to rebuild my self-worth? Will I fear being judged by family and friends?
The more specific and detailed you are, the better.
● If I stay, what will I continue to lose?
Emotional exhaustion? Suppressed expression? Unrecognized pain? Loss of self-respect? Daily mental drain?
Ask yourself: Am I becoming less like myself? Is this relationship turning me into a smaller, more constrained version of myself?
Step 2: Create a long-term evaluation framework.
As mentioned earlier, the decision-making intentions of high-conflict individuals are easily influenced by daily conflicts or positive interactions. For example, today the other person cooked a meal, so you waver, but tomorrow a cold remark makes you want to leave.
At this point, it is important to distinguish between “true conflict” and “temporary emotions.” Don’t ask, “Did they make me happy today?” Instead, ask, “Have there been any substantial improvements in the core issues between us?”
- List the “core conflicts” between you—those recurring, fundamental sources of conflict in your relationship, such as ongoing emotional neglect or major discrepancies in values (e.g., whether to have children or differences in financial beliefs).
- Agree with your partner to “jointly resolve one core conflict within one month.” If you both have tried and the issue remains unresolved, this can serve as evidence that the relationship is irreparable, reducing hesitation in making a decision.
- Set a “decision deadline,” such as giving yourselves three months to try communication, repair, and adjustment. If the relationship remains unchanged during this period, make the decision to separate.
Through repeated assessments and conversations, some long-standing issues may be resolved, and the relationship may continue. However, after repeated attempts, you may discover that the relationship truly cannot continue. The process of repeated attempts is a gradual process of “clarity.”
Step 3: Low-Cost Action Experiment
If you are worried about regretting your decision, try a temporary separation (e.g., one to two weeks) and observe how you feel.
- Whether you feel relieved after leaving or become more aware of the other person’s importance.
- Whether you have gained a new understanding of your partner’s strengths and weaknesses, such as realizing their thoughtfulness after leaving or being unable to tolerate their controlling nature.
- During the separation period, try listing the pros and cons of your relationship. Talk to a trusted friend or counselor to gain clearer judgment and break free from the cycle of “only complaining” or “blindly idealizing.”
Step 4: Accepting Regret After Making a Decision
No matter what decision you make, you may initially feel regret. For example, if you choose to stay, you may miss the freedom of being single. If you choose to separate, you may miss the sweetness of the past.
This feeling of regret is normal and part of the process. It does not mean the choice was wrong.
When we feel regret or sadness because we ended a relationship, we should still ask ourselves, “Have the core issues between us been resolved?” and “Will we repeat the same mistakes if we get back together?” rather than acting on momentary emotional impulses.
Although we have heard many stories about how life becomes “unbelievably smooth” after leaving a draining relationship, we must acknowledge that every difficult choice has its costs.
Some costs may be imagined, like leaving an umbrella behind only to realize it isn’t raining, while others are unforeseen and emerge gradually after the choice is made.
Perhaps what matters isn’t making a perfect choice but being prepared to bear the consequences of our decision. Even if it hurts and we regret it, at least we know we took that step consciously and freely.
