A sound used by all primates
Humans use it too, and it’s considered acceptable

The tendency to make “unseemly noises” during sexual intercourse has a neurological and evolutionary basis.

Walster, an American social psychologist specializing in love, once proposed a hypothesis: regardless of the cause of physiological arousal, humans may interpret it as sexual arousal.

This hypothesis explains various sexual preferences, such as sexual arousal from unusual pain, unusual visual effects, and odors.

In neuroscientific studies on pain and sexuality, it has been discovered that when sexual stimulation and pain stimulation occur simultaneously, sexual stimulation can alleviate the intensity of pain, whether the sexual stimulation is real or imagined.

This creates a complex connection between pain and sexuality. Moderate to mild pain during sexual activity, such as light biting, pinching, slapping, and the sexual act itself, can help the nervous system release more endorphins, giving a euphoric sensation.

At this point, people may be willing to set aside some rationality to enjoy the natural, healthy feelings endorphins provide, leading to the emission of sounds that are not suitable for public settings.

These inappropriate sounds are typically used to describe injury or pain in everyday language. Examples include moaning, grunting, whimpering, and roaring.

Emitting such uncomfortable sounds indicates that the individual is currently experiencing pain arousal in their sensory system. In the context of sexual activity, pain arousal is more easily interpreted as sexual arousal or sexual pleasure, which is why people enjoy emitting and hearing such sounds.

From an evolutionary perspective, making such unspeakable sounds is an inherited behavior.

Research has found that for primates and pre-human species, female wild apes and female gorillas emit similar sounds before, during, and after mating, which is a reproductive strategy.

On one hand, the “vocalization” before mating is used to attract nearby male gorillas to mate with them. On the other hand, since multiple male gorillas may be attracted, the female gorilla will ultimately choose the winner of the competition, thereby selecting the best genetic partner.

Fun fact: When male mammals detect competitors for their sperm, they increase sperm quantity and quality to ensure their offspring are born, a phenomenon known as sperm competition.

The practices of early humans were similar to those of gorillas, but they also faced different challenges.

As evolution progressed, the brains of early humans grew larger, and female humans had to give birth to their offspring before they were fully developed. To ensure the survival of the offspring, female humans had to ensure that male humans were present to care for them.

Thus, during mating, both parties emit “unseemly sounds,” which are regarded as a form of “love expression.” The wild humans establish a relatively stable “marital” relationship based on this, enabling the male wild human to provide care during the female wild human’s vulnerable pregnancy period;

Additionally, unlike animals, the female wild person’s ovulation period is a secret to both parties. Therefore, frequently emitting such mating calls to a fixed male wild person allows the male wild person to consistently mate with the female wild person, thereby increasing the male wild person’s confidence that the newly born cub is indeed their offspring.

In other words, rather than attracting more partners or triggering sperm competition, the female wild person’s “unseemly sounds” are more of an emotional temptation, with the ultimate goal of producing healthy offspring.

By now, we should all understand that it was those pre-human ancestors who chose to emit unseemly sounds during sex who survived the evolutionary filter. In our nervous system, pain and sexual pleasure are highly correlated, so we unconsciously emit sounds that originally signify pain.

The sounds modern humans emit
have some performative elements

However, experienced individuals know that in real life, many of these unseemly sounds are often emitted consciously.

Just like sexual desire and appetite, modern humans often attach cultural and social attributes to these primal instincts. Nowadays, the sounds women make that are not suitable for public consumption often carry a sense of being “worth savoring.”

In some places where it is legally permitted, lonely individuals can use paid phone services to listen to operators specifically moan and groan for them, thereby achieving sexual pleasure. Sometimes they also arrange to meet like-minded people online and engage in phone sex through the sounds transmitted over the receiver.

Research has found that during sexual intercourse or sexual contact, the sounds women make that are not suitable for public consumption represent their sexual consent. Therefore, these sounds, in the eyes of men, carry a strong implication that “she is enjoying it” or “she likes my performance,” which can greatly stimulate male desire.

Women, on the other hand, prefer deep male voices. When men emit deep, pleasurable sounds during intercourse, it allows women to sense their level of commitment and whether they are strong and reliable.

In such a cultural context, even if the stimulation is insufficient to cause women to regress or lose control, they may still engage in some “vocal performance.”

This performance is similar to “faking an orgasm.” Research shows that women are most likely to achieve orgasm when stimulating their clitoris themselves or when their partner stimulates it, while traditional intercourse has the lowest probability of leading to orgasm.

However, they often initiate vocal and physical performances when they detect their partner is about to climax, helping them reach orgasm.

Clearly, these sounds are not synchronized with the woman’s pleasure, yet she still chooses to deliberately produce them to please her partner and protect their self-esteem.

Of course, other studies have found that even if these sounds have little to do with orgasm itself, when women are fully engaged, consciously making these sounds can enhance their sexual pleasure.

Sounds that are not appropriate for public display have an element of performance, orgasms have an element of performance, and there are many other forms of performance in sexual matters.

For example, Elliott and Umberson from the University of Texas proposed the concept of “sexual desire performance.” Researchers suggest that in long-term intimate relationships, as sexual desire becomes increasingly mismatched between partners—where one partner no longer desires intimacy while the other does—the desiring partner may engage in “sexual desire performance” for various reasons, meaning they act as though they have a strong sexual desire.

Occasional sexual desire performance, including occasional vocalizations or orgasm performances, can actually benefit the quality of both sexual and relationship dynamics.

In this sense, understanding “sexual desire performance” can indeed be a way to enhance one’s sexual appeal.

In long-term relationships, these various forms of performance can be seen as extra efforts made for the relationship. They are akin to the emotional labor we perform in daily life, such as checking in on our partner’s well-being, caring about their mood, and sending good morning or good night messages to reassure them.

In long-term relationships, especially marital relationships, a certain amount of emotional labor is necessary. Because the emotional well-being of the other person is an essential dimension of a healthy marriage.

For example, even though we have established a division of household chores, we take on the other person’s share when they are facing work-related stress;

or when the other person is experiencing significant emotional fluctuations, we proactively provide a soothing and safe environment for them to express themselves.

Additionally, in matters of intimacy, we may perform for the other person in appropriate ways, using these extra efforts to provide them with strength.

Research has found that regardless of a woman’s personal circumstances, she tends to do more emotional labor; while men typically only actively provide emotional support when the woman is the primary breadwinner.

From this perspective, it is also women who make more unspeakable sounds during sex. However, women also love to hear men’s unspeakable sounds, so we hope men will make more effort.

Sexual desire and interest can certainly be acted out,
but there must be a limit.

Just as efforts to support the other person’s emotions should not be excessive, our performance in sex should also not be excessive.

How do we determine when our performance has become excessive?

Healthy performance:

✅ Our performance is driven by love and care, not out of a sense of obligation to “praise myself” or even fear of “what will happen if I don’t perform”;
✅ When we perform or give, our hearts are relatively calm, and we even feel a sense of accomplishment when we see the other person’s mood improve;
✅ After giving or performing, the other person reciprocates with equal energy during afterplay or in other ways;
✅ Our giving and performing do not harm our self-identity or core needs.

Exhausting Performance:

😵‍💫 In matters of sex, long-term suppression of one’s feelings and needs, coupled with one-sided compromise, creates a sense of “forcing a smile”;
😵 The other person takes your efforts for granted, without reciprocation or acknowledgment, and may even believe that it is because of their own “superiority” that you behave this way, implying that you should be grateful to them;
🥱 After sexual activity, one may experience a diminished sense of self-worth, which can extend to all aspects of life, leaving one feeling lonely and empty even when with the other person.

Whether in terms of sex or the relationship itself, mutual, equal efforts made for the other person’s emotions and feelings are necessary.

We can put on a show to please the other person, or make some concessions and endure some hardships. After all, who doesn’t want their partner to be happier?

But remember, we want the other person to be happy because we feel nourished by this relationship. The occasional performances and extra efforts we make are a reward for the other person taking good care of us.

In other words, our performances and efforts to please the other person must ultimately lead to a win-win situation. Those who take us for granted do not deserve to hear even a single beautiful spring song from us.