“Sexual consent” refers to people freely and voluntarily agreeing to engage in sexual activity. The definition is not complicated, but in various scenarios, when we use this yardstick to measure right and wrong, it is difficult to get a clear answer. This may mean that there are still too many subtle issues that need to be seen and re-examined.

In 2022, New South Wales, Australia, amended the Crimes Legislation Amendment (Sexual Consent Reform) Act. The official website provided a detailed, everyday interpretation of the amendment. The gist is as follows: First, “sexual consent” must be explicitly expressed; one cannot assume consent simply because the other party did not say “no.” “Sexual consent” can be withdrawn, and when someone withdraws consent, sexual activity must cease immediately. “Sexual consent” should also be specific; agreeing to one thing (such as a kiss) does not imply consent to other things (such as touching).

It is important to note that when someone is severely impaired by drugs or alcohol, unconscious, asleep, manipulated, or threatened, even saying “yes” does not constitute consent.

Finally, we must continuously confirm sexual consent—consent is built on ongoing communication[1]. This is an indispensable part of an intimate relationship.

Below are the stories, reflections, and growth of nine friends:

01
Can you just casually put your arm around a good friend?

@Melissa: A person of the opposite sex with boundaries would not engage in casual physical contact.

When I went out with a male friend, he would always put his arm around my shoulder when we stood together.

I felt uncomfortable but was too shy to ask him to stop touching me.

This feels different from holding hands or linking arms with a female friend. Every time he puts his hand on me, I want to escape and feel uncomfortable. But I don’t know how to explain it. Will he get angry? Will it ruin our friendship? Am I overreacting?

Once, I used the excuse that “it’s too hot” to ask him to remove his hand, but it still happened later. At first, I was very confused and thought maybe this was just how guys express friendship.

He had confessed his feelings to me before, and I had rejected him. We went back to being friends, so I didn’t think much of it. But recently, he confessed again and hasn’t given up, so I realized these actions might be related to sexuality.

However, the body always reacts before the mind, and even if I didn’t know this was related to “sexual consent,” I still felt uncomfortable.

This is one of the most difficult areas to discuss when it comes to consent. Putting an arm around someone’s shoulder may not seem like a big deal, but I feel that someone with boundaries wouldn’t make such physical contact casually. Maybe next time I’ll tell him more directly, and he’ll listen.

@Carolyn: Finally, it’s you who are stunned, not me.

As someone who avoids conflict, I’ve endured being offended by the opposite sex many times when I was younger. For example, someone I had just met would casually place their hand on my shoulder in public, and I could only endure it silently, waiting for them to remove it on their own.

In a work setting, a partner suddenly touched my hand under the pretense of reading my palm during a conversation; and there was even an instance where I couldn’t stop a friend from gradually getting closer, leading to a forced kiss (the person was someone I had just met, and it happened in a public place like a restaurant, which was very unexpected). There was also an instance where, in the company break room with several people present, a colleague forcibly hugged me in a joking manner.

From my personal experience, as a child, out of fear of conflict, I found it difficult to immediately say no to various disrespectful actions from the opposite sex, often freezing or being unable to react. Only after the harm had occurred did I realize, “This is wrong. How could I have forgotten to say no?” I even felt guilty for not protecting myself.

After graduating and gaining more self-awareness and the ability to read people, I can now more sensitively gauge changes in atmosphere and make judgments in advance (mainly because I’m no longer as afraid of conflict). I finally managed to stop several potential instances of sexual harassment.

One instance was after dining with a friend, we were hailing a taxi by the roadside. The other person might have felt the conversation was pleasant and was about to place their hand on my shoulder. I immediately moved my body away and said, “Don’t.” The other person froze. The atmosphere was slightly awkward, but such incidents never occurred again afterward.

Another time, I was sitting in the backseat of a car with a friend, and the person placed their hand on my knee. I immediately said sternly, “Take it off.” The person froze and awkwardly moved their hand away. Later, I messaged the person, saying, “This kind of thing can’t happen again; it makes me uncomfortable.” The person apologized.

I hope women can realize that they shouldn’t be afraid of awkwardness, because the one who should feel awkward is not you.

Especially in public or crowded places, we might choose to believe we’re safe or use silence to refuse. But often, direct, firm, and decisive actions and words are the most effective “no,” and you’ll receive the apology you deserve.

02
The harm done in the name of “love”

@ Marisol: Consent in a relationship is sometimes a compromise

During a relationship, the male partner is often the one more eager to advance the sexual relationship. Sometimes, the relationship has only recently been confirmed, leaving the female partner more likely to face the question of whether to consent.

I’m confused: Should I agree to have sex so soon? If it’s too early, will it make the other person not value this relationship? If I refuse, will it make the other person feel uncomfortable or unhappy?

Sometimes I agree to sexual relations out of a desire to please the other person. But in reality, I don’t enjoy it that much. I’ve given the other person some hints, like suggesting I want to go home or hoping they’ll go home, but nothing came of it. I’m not sure if that counts as consent.

Later, I realized that whether the female partner agrees to sexual relations isn’t the main factor affecting the relationship. It might stem from my own lack of confidence, always feeling like I need to compromise.

As I’ve had more relationships, this mindset has gradually diminished.

@ Janise: I prioritize responsibility over my own feelings

Last year, during my first relationship, I fulfilled many obligations over the course of ten months.

My ex-boyfriend wanted to get intimate with me and started touching my chest without saying a word. I moved away and said seriously, “No, you can’t touch my private parts.” That night, in a WhatsApp chat, he asked me, “Why can everyone else do it, but you can’t?” Then he asked me to send him photos of my private parts, promising to delete them all after viewing. I gave in.

I thought that’s what a girlfriend should do, and I didn’t want to argue. Except for sex, he did everything he could. I don’t have any physical attraction to him, and I don’t know how to define these things. I’m also confused about where the boundaries of physical intimacy should be in a relationship.

Every time he touches me, I feel uncomfortable and have no pleasure. I even doubted whether I was sexually frigid. I also unconsciously compare myself to his ex-girlfriend, thinking I can’t let him say his ex was better than me during our relationship. So I try my best to satisfy him and meet his standards.

The underlying reason might be that we’re both ignorant. Looking back, in this relationship, I prioritized responsibility over my own feelings and was probably led by him.

@Monique: When there’s no sexual desire, it’s best to stop.

On one occasion, my partner wanted to have sex. After foreplay, I still had no desire. He asked, “Can we?” When he went to get a condom, I said, “I don’t want to.” He didn’t continue.

At that moment, the feeling of being truly respected was wonderful. I love reading novels, especially the “forced love” type with dominant and submissive characters. Every time I see the submissive being “attacked and fiercely loved” by the dominant, I feel envious. But in reality, if you really don’t feel like it and have no sexual desire, it’s best to stop, calm down, and be more humane.

@Samuel: It turns out that a verbal refusal is also a real refusal.

My girlfriend and I are both college students. Before we had sex once, she said, “I don’t want to” as soon as we entered the room. I understood, but I didn’t take her words seriously.

I thought her refusal was a form of modesty, or that she didn’t want me to “get her” too easily. Based on our previous sexual experiences, I assumed it was because I hadn’t provided enough emotional value or that she was dissatisfied with my performance that day. So she was acting on impulse.

During the act, she didn’t resist, and there was no obvious unpleasantness afterward. However, after we parted ways, she texted me saying I “didn’t respect her, and she didn’t want it!” I thought that if she decided to sue me over this, it might be similar to the recent case in Datong.

I do have limitations in my gender perspective. At that time, I felt a sense of pressure from being rejected. Why was she angry today? I didn’t do anything wrong, and it wasn’t her menstrual period. Why did she reject me? Does verbal rejection count? So I suspected she was pretending not to want it.

I was wrong in this matter. At the time, I apologized to her via text message, but I was still a bit unclear about the concept of “sexual consent.” In the future, I will wait for her to initiate it or act only when she expresses it physically.

@Christina: Being hurt by someone I chose myself still feels unbelievable to me.

Even now, I’m still confused. Why do I need to protect myself from someone I chose myself?

That was four or five years ago. I was 18 and in a relationship. He was a considerate boyfriend in everyday life. We would kiss and get close, and my first experience of love made me feel dizzy with passion.

The change happened suddenly. When he suggested taking things further, I was very clear that I was resistant. I said, “No,” but he seemed not to hear me.

I’m someone who shows my emotions easily. Once I feel disgust or fear, it’s obvious on my face, but he seemed not to notice. Perhaps he had made up his mind, or perhaps he thought I was just teasing him by resisting, I don’t know.

Since I refused, he picked me up and carried me. Afterward, he kept trying to comfort me, but I remained silent.

It wasn’t until I met my current partner that I truly realized this was a serious issue involving “sexual consent.” He always asks about my wishes, observes my facial expressions during the process, and stops immediately if I show any discomfort. After experiencing what an intimate relationship based on respect feels like, I looked back on that past incident and felt deceived in the name of love.

Even though my understanding of the matter was vague at the time, it had a profound impact on me. Sometimes I fell into self-loathing, feeling isolated and helpless, as if I had done the worst thing imaginable. Later, I mustered the courage to tell my current partner. But I was worried he would reject me, and I was afraid to show my face during video calls. He was deeply moved by this and no longer brought it up.

This is a difficult topic to discuss, but I don’t think it’s uncommon. I don’t believe those who force others would pay attention to this issue, but I hope to help others distinguish what their true intentions are. If it’s something you’re willing to do, you won’t cry, and it won’t leave any harm.

03
At work, practice protecting yourself

@ Alice: Say “no” to the smallest offenses

About 10 years ago, I graduated from university and became a young news editor at a portal site. At the time, most portal editors were men.

Shortly after starting work, a male supervisor asked me, “Have you ever been in a relationship?” The sudden overstep made me uncomfortable. Although the question didn’t involve “sex,” I said “This is workplace sexual harassment.” After that, no male editor dared to provoke me.

Over the course of my years-long career, there were many such moments. For example, an older male editor would consistently send explicit jokes and emojis to the all-female editor work group chat at 4 PM every day, claiming it was to “stay alert.” He only stopped after being reported by a female colleague.

Perhaps these are the least costly forms of (sexual) offense. People who enjoy doing such things are cunning and cowardly, and they won’t amount to much in their careers, so there’s no need to fear them. I thank my younger self and the female colleagues around me who refused to sweep things under the rug, making our work environment better and better.

@Frances: After searching online for cases of sexual harassment, I finally understood what had happened.

The leader of the internship company during my junior year highly appreciated me, often praising me in public and sharing his experiences and insights with me. I regarded him as a trustworthy mentor and elder. After the internship ended, we stayed in touch; he liked my Instagram posts and expressed satisfaction with my achievements.

One evening after returning home for winter break, we had a phone conversation where he mentioned my boyfriend. He advised me to protect myself, and I replied that my boyfriend respected me. He disagreed: “Men will always want to take what they want, and refusing them is an invitation.”

I firmly defended my viewpoint and was disappointed that he was that kind of person. To my surprise, I then heard his heavy breathing.

After hesitating, I asked him if he was masturbating. His voice grew louder, and he tried to guide me into saying sexual words to arouse him. We went back and forth over the phone: “Don’t do that,” “What about it?” “Stop breathing heavily,” “What are you doing?” “Are you masturbating?” He finally responded with a satisfied moan: “Yes.”

In a panic, I recited the poetry I had mentioned earlier to try to deter him, but he told me to stop reciting while continuing his actions. Finally, I mentioned his wife, and he finally calmed down and hung up the phone.

At first, I was confused, not knowing what had happened. Thinking about it later, I couldn’t believe it. After confirming it, I was shocked and disappointed. I searched online for cases of sexual harassment and found some that resonated with me, which made me feel like I wasn’t alone.