In fact, “sexual preferences” can also be seen as an exploration of “what you enjoy in terms of sexuality.”
It is part of your “sexual self,” but only the tip of the iceberg.
A study by Miller (2004) and others showed that in relationships lasting over 10 years, people understand about 60% of what their partner likes sexually, but only about 20% of what they dislike sexually.
In simple terms, the “sex” that partners can discuss with each other is mostly limited to the “positive aspects.” Discussing negative experiences can feel a bit emotionally damaging.
A complete “sexual self” may also include some aspects that make you feel uncomfortable.
For example, do you have anxiety about your sexual performance and rely heavily on it as part of your self-identity? Do you have taboos or feel ashamed about your sexual fantasies? Do you think, “My naked body is ugly, and others definitely don’t like it”? When you dislike your partner’s sexual preferences, is it because you dislike them, or because it triggers past trauma?
The answers to these questions are all related to your “sexual self.”
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What is “sexual self”?
Everyone has a “sexual self,” which can be roughly broken down into three dimensions (Snell et al., 1989):
▨ Sexual self-esteem: Your overall feelings about your sexuality.
For example, do you feel good about your desires? If there are problems in your sex life, do you assume that “it must be my fault”?
▨ Sexual depression: The extent to which you feel depressed about your sexual experiences.
This is a tendency to feel sad and frustrated about your ability to engage in sexual relations with another person. For example, do you feel insecure about your sexuality; find it difficult to express your sexual needs and preferences directly; fear engaging in sexual relations with another person; or are highly concerned about others’ opinions and reactions to your sexual life?
▨ Sexual preoccupation: The extent to which you are preoccupied with sex.
This is a persistent tendency to think about sex, such as feeling like “my mind is constantly on sex”; striving to maintain sexual activity; being highly attuned to changes in sexual thoughts, feelings, and desires, sometimes to the point of being unable to think about anything else.
There is no need to feel anxious; the “sexual self” is neither right nor wrong; it is simply a tool for understanding oneself. Additionally, it evolves and changes throughout one’s life in tandem with sexual experiences and self-perception.
It may also serve as a useful indicator, suggesting the type of partner relationships we tend to enter, the expectations we hold for intimacy quality, and how we tend to behave in sexual activities.
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Sexual Self vs. Attachment Style:
Our Potential Destiny
A person’s awareness of their “sexual self” may be intertwined with their “attachment style.”
Anticevic et al. surveyed 630 single/married men and women and found:
Securely attached individuals (who tend to describe themselves as feeling secure, worthy of being liked, and trusting of others) have higher sexual self-esteem and higher sexual satisfaction.
If one partner is an avoidant attachment style and the other is an anxious attachment style, a vicious cycle may emerge: one partner focuses solely on their own needs, while the other’s anxiety intensifies, leading to lower sexual satisfaction.
If both partners are avoidant attachment styles, they may not have urgent issues to address regarding sexual intimacy—unless they are dissatisfied with sex or feel poorly about their “sexual self.”
- Anxious attachment: High sexual anxiety
Anxious individuals have an intense desire for intimacy and fear abandonment, so they seek security through clinginess, possessiveness, and control. When their partner fails to meet their expectations or they feel their partner is not paying enough attention to them, they become angry and anxious.
In terms of sexual self-esteem, anxiously attached individuals may engage in “negative sexual behaviors” (e.g., initiating sexual activity too early, frequently acquiescing to unwanted sexual acts) to secure their partner’s love and prevent them from abandoning them.
However, this sexual strategy often leads to low sexual self-esteem, reduced sexual satisfaction, and conflicting reactions to sexual experiences. Additionally, anxious attachment style is typically a predictor of “sexual anxiety” (a tendency to feel tense, uncomfortable, and anxious about sex).
- Avoidant Attachment Style: High Sexual Focus
Avoidant-attached individuals often suppress their need for intimacy, exhibiting avoidance and detachment. They have a high need for personal space, and closeness in a relationship can trigger a fear of being controlled.
Research shows that avoidant-attached individuals are more likely to engage in “short-term sexual behavior,” masturbate more frequently, and avoid sexual activity with a steady partner—possibly to maintain emotional distance in the relationship.
However, this can also lead to low sexual self-esteem, aversion to sex, and reduced sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. Overall, single individuals are more likely to have an avoidant attachment style, characterized by high sexual focus but low emotional connection.
- Fearful-avoidant individuals: multiple sexual partners
Fearful-avoidant individuals desire intimacy while simultaneously “avoiding intimacy” and “fearing abandonment,” making them the most challenging type within insecure attachment. They not only have low self-esteem but also struggle to trust others.
A study tracking 600 people over nearly 40 years found that “anxious attachment” can predict a higher number of sexual partners throughout one’s lifetime, as well as greater sexual compliance (i.e., conforming to a partner’s sexual desires). This holds true for both men and women (Favez et al., 2019). Because they crave love yet fear intimacy, casual sexual relationships can place them in such situations.
“Sexual self” is another aspect of your self. Overall, regardless of your attachment style, sexual self-esteem has a significant impact.
On average, securely attached individuals have higher sexual self-esteem. This means that even if negative sexual events occur, their “sexual self” may act as a buffer, much like high self-esteem can buffer anxiety and depression (Greenberg et al., 1992).
So, if you feel your current sexual satisfaction is below expectations, you can start by understanding each other’s attachment styles and exploring your own behavioral patterns.
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6 questions to help you explore your “sexual self”
“Do you feel good about your body?” “What are your sexual taboos?” “How well do you understand your desires?”
— For many couples, initiating a conversation about the “sexual self” is not straightforward.
At the end of today’s article, we would like to introduce the “Sexual Self-Awareness Map” tool provided by clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon in her book Taking Sexy Back.
It breaks down this concept into 6 layers, helping you understand yourself, communicate your desires, set boundaries, and build the relationship you truly want.
- 1.Are some of your behaviors influenced by your cultural background?
What are the main messages about sex that you have learned (directly or indirectly) in your cultural environment? Which ones do you appreciate and which ones do you reject? Understanding how you are influenced by culture can allow you to make conscious choices freely, rather than always being constrained by cultural norms. Ask yourself: How do these narratives enhance or undermine my sexual experiences?
- 2.How has your “sexuality” developed linearly?
Your sexuality during adolescence, now, and twenty years from now is a dynamic story that can evolve and change throughout your life. Even if you are asexual on the spectrum, you can describe its history, reasons, and meaning. Ask yourself: What is my sexuality (past/present/future) like?
- 3.What is your overall psychological feeling about sexuality?
Ask yourself: What do I think sexuality means? What are my sexual fantasies? Can I express desire or refusal? How do my thoughts enhance (or diminish) my sexual experience? Name three things you appreciate and three things you dislike.
- 4.Physically, do I have a “positive body image”?
Sex is a physical experience. The more you understand, appreciate, and accept your body, the more you can enjoy sexual pleasure. Ask yourself: Which of the five senses is most sensual to you? What is the quality of my relationship with my body (including my genitalia)? How does my relationship with my body enhance or limit my sexual experience?
- 5.What emotional changes occur during sexual activity?
Emotions influence how you experience sex. Ask yourself: How do I feel before, during, and after sexual activity? What emotions do I want to associate with my sexual experiences? To what extent do past painful experiences influence my current sexual behavior?
- 6.How does your relational model influence intimacy?
In most cases, sex is an experience related to others—one that requires communication, cooperation, and consent. Ask yourself: What role do I believe sex plays in intimate relationships? To what extent is sex a source of joy and relaxation in my intimate relationships? To what extent is sex a source of stress and conflict in my intimate relationships?
Dr. Solomon believes that “Sex is what we do, and sexuality is who we are.”
Another meaning of sexual self is: How do I feel about sex when I am the subject of sexual activity?
In a repressive, sexualized, and gaze-oriented cultural environment, you may always doubt: “Am I too fat? Do I satisfy my lover? Is he having fun?” Are my fantasies too bizarre? Why do I feel so ashamed and guilty? Am I promiscuous?”
Exploring your “sexual self” may be the starting point for shifting from ‘sexualization’ to “self-pleasure.” You should have the right to feel pleasure in your own body without feeling guilty, regretful, or ashamed.
