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Dating Culture
The unspoken rule of dating is to enjoy the process.
For many, it is a process of self-discovery. We can’t be born knowing exactly what we want or what suits us. Instead, we gain self-awareness through interaction and mutual understanding with others, which leads to personal growth. Over time, this may lead to finding a suitable partner or close friends, but that is a matter for later. Above all, dating is about seeking, inspiring, and enriching oneself.
If your sole purpose is to find a serious relationship, you should make that clear, as most people are not seeking that. In China, however, the opposite is true. If your goal is not to find a serious relationship, you should clarify this, as the mainstream is seeking this. One cannot pretend to be ignorant when they know the truth.
I am a prime example of using dating for self-growth. It has been my lifestyle for a long time. My daily routine used to involve casually arranging meetings with strangers for in-depth conversations and maintaining connections with interesting individuals over time. I nourished myself through interactions with others, found the building blocks for self-construction in others, and viewed new people as a remedy for a stagnant life. All of these were based on this approach.
Although dating is often seen as a prelude to finding a partner, it is actually a process that blends elements of self-discovery, friendship, and companionship. Dating can exist independently of future goals. Some people simply won’t invest time or emotions in relationships with the opposite sex if there are no practical goals, such as sex or marriage. However, dating is different. We engage with the opposite sex without practical goals because the process itself is the purpose.
In fact, “dating” might be too strong of a word because it often lacks a strong sense of “relationship.” Flirting, having deep conversations, or engaging in physical intimacy can be motivated by the desire to enjoy social interaction, explore oneself, or feel good about oneself without demands or constraints.
Summary: Levels of Relationship Intensity (from least to most intense):
1 Flirting & Socializing → 2 Talking Stage → 3 Hookup Culture → 4 Situationship → 5 Casual Dating → 6 Exclusive Dating → 7 Serious Relationship
When I asked AI how to introduce dating culture to people with traditional views, it suggested the following approaches:
- Respect for Personal Choice and Freedom
Dating culture emphasizes personal freedom and choice, not coercion or compromise. It is a process of self-discovery where individuals interact with different people to understand their own needs and interests in order to ultimately find a suitable partner. This culture emphasizes emotional sincerity and mutual respect more than mere social pressure or family expectations. - Modern views on love
Traditional views often assume that love and marriage follow a specific sequence and format. However, today’s views on love are not solely based on the institution of marriage, but rather on mutual recognition, trust, and respect. Dating culture provides more opportunities for people to develop and shape their relationships with their partners. - Self-Growth and Independence
In dating culture, people seek not only a partner but also themselves. This culture encourages individuals to first understand and improve themselves outside of romantic relationships. Dating culture does not reject commitment, but rather, it advocates building intimate relationships based on mutual independence. - De-objectification and de-utilitarianism: Traditionally, marriage and romance are often viewed as tools for achieving wealth, social status, or family interests. In dating culture, romantic relationships are based more on emotions and mutual attraction — a choice centered on personal happiness. This approach eliminates many materialistic and utilitarian factors, enabling people to experience love more purely.
- Openness and Flexibility
In modern dating culture, people have more open and flexible attitudes toward relationships. Love is no longer confined to the traditional notion of having only one lifelong partner, but rather allows for multiple attempts and different experiences. Rather than being forced to set an ultimate goal from the start, dating culture gives everyone the opportunity to find the relationship form that best suits them. - Emphasis on Dialogue and Communication
In modern dating culture, dialogue and communication are often used to confirm each other’s needs and boundaries. This approach is clearer and more direct than the traditional idea of “unspoken understanding.” Relationships in this culture focus more on establishing clear communication than on relying on predefined roles and expectations.
Dating culture is not a rebellion against tradition, but rather, it is a reinforcement of personal freedom, respect, and self-awareness.
Conversely, some people only date with the ultimate goal in mind. They expect a specific sequence and manner and cling to predefined roles and perceptions. They are not interested in exploring themselves, mutual independence, or shaping and customizing the relationship; rather, they are interested in quickly possessing and owning. Such individuals are unsuitable for dating. While they may be active on social media, they actually seek traditional values, which naturally leads to discomfort.
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Dating Philosophy
Before learning about these theories, I didn’t understand them. Afterwards, I realized I was doing the right thing. Compared to friends who can’t enjoy dating, the biggest difference between us is that I don’t have an ultimate goal; the process is the goal. Those who pursue an ultimate goal are driven by a sense of purpose and mission. They judge success or failure by that standard, which often leads to frustration and disappointment.
Initially, I approached stranger socializing for self-growth. While abroad, I wanted to meet locals and people from different cultures who had more social and life experience than I did. I wanted them to talk to me, guide me, and broaden my perspective. Dating was the best way to achieve that.
Through this broad dating experience, I could clearly sense my own growth.
- Externally, I increasingly understood people and my own strengths, and I became more aware of who could appreciate my strengths and tolerate my weaknesses. I knew which aspects of myself were charming and should be highlighted, and which aspects needed some adjustment;
- Internally, I became increasingly clear about my preferences and temperament, understanding myself better. I knew what I liked and what traits easily moved me;
Don’t start out with the goal of developing a relationship. You’ll inevitably meet someone you like, who also likes you. As the saying goes, “Those who walk by the river will eventually meet someone special.” When the time, place, and circumstances align, it’s difficult to avoid falling in love. All you need to do is find joy in dating and continue doing it.
As you continue meeting new people, you’ll find that your preferences are increasingly reflected in the people you date. These potential partners will naturally enter a competitive process, and you’ll find yourself focusing your energy on the best one or two of them. You don’t need to judge individuals deliberately; the best choice will naturally emerge from the abundance of options.
The more you date new people and the more attractive and self-aware you become, the better your options will be compared to previous ones, naturally eliminating the less desirable ones due to limited energy.
When you first enter this state, you’ll definitely feel that entering an exclusive relationship is a waste of time. You won’t want to commit to one person because doing so would hinder your growth and development.
However, after a period of time, you’ll notice diminishing returns. Long-term, deep relationships at this stage can bring greater emotional depth and growth. Thus, someone who knows how to find people they like who also like them, who has experience managing relationships, and who understands emotional dynamics is likely to successfully transition from casual dating to an exclusive relationship and then to a deep romantic relationship.
What’s lacking most right now are people who are free, charming, and sincere. Some people are sincere and reliable but boring and rigid. Others are charming but insincere. Others are free-spirited and avant-garde but live recklessly. The rarest of all are those who are free, charming, and sincere; who break free from tradition yet remain grounded in reality; and who live life well. Don’t compromise. The more people you meet, the more you’ll realize how sought after you are.
Finally, returning to the story at the beginning of the article, the conflict between men and women is a typical clash of perspectives:
- Men think that if we feel good, I should make you enjoy every date, and we should continue to create good feelings;
- Women think that if we feel good, our relationship should become more intimate, you should increase the frequency of contact, and whenever you have time, you should ask me out, making me feel your special treatment.
In regions with a more mature dating culture, showing too much devotion and clinginess when you have feelings for someone can be seen as putting pressure on them if you’re unsure of the other person’s expectations. It’s better to act cool. In the early stages of getting to know each other, people implicitly maintain boundaries, avoid disrupting each other’s rhythm of life, and give each other space to compare and consider their options. If you really like someone, express your feelings appropriately. Showcase your charm in a relaxed, pressure-free manner to make the other person feel attracted to you. This approach is more dignified than increasing your demands on their time and energy or trying to control them.
Respecting personal boundaries is crucial. Don’t assume that just because you like each other and enjoy spending time together, you can invade their personal space. You need their confirmation first.
Their indifference is a sign that you have overstepped your boundaries. How else can you express yourself appropriately?
Keep in mind that not everything can be made clear at all times. Some people expect others to always be clear about how they feel, how much they like you, and how they view your relationship. For example, if you stop contacting someone after a brief interaction, you should explicitly reject them; otherwise, things will remain unresolved. This stems from taking the other person too seriously and being too earnest about your own feelings. In arranged marriages, where everyone has a clear, shared goal, such demands are acceptable. However, dating is inherently low-stakes.
If you understand the previous content, you’ll realize that situations aren’t usually black and white. Most people don’t constantly make judgments. The purpose of dating is to enjoy the company of others and engage in social activities, not to screen people. Therefore, there’s no need to constantly judge or clarify how the other person feels about you or the relationship. People and emotions flow naturally.
Liking and attraction don’t represent commitment; they’re fleeting emotions.
Moreover, giving each other space and maintaining a sense of decorum is respectful. There may be a chance to reconnect in the future. We might develop interest in each other again, or we might become acquaintances or friends. There’s no such thing as a clear-cut ending.
If you value boundaries and personal space, have a strong sense of self and your own opinions, and focus on your thoughts and feelings and how to grow, then you naturally understand the benefits of dating culture.
If you truly want to treat someone specially, you will explicitly discuss rules and reach a clear agreement rather than assuming that liking or dating someone implies a default responsibility on their part.
As long as there is no deception, dating is never about someone letting you down. Rather, it’s about whether your sense of self is strong enough, whether you’ve let yourself down, whether you’ve focused enough on your own experiences, and whether you’ve grown.
Sincerity isn’t for others; it’s for seeing yourself first and foremost.
