A few days ago, a friend came to me out of the blue and said that his girlfriend was threatening to break up with him. Apparently, he had told her he was going to a party, emphasizing that everyone there would be male. However, she happened to see him having dinner with a group of men and women.
She angrily told him, “It’s okay if you go out with girls, but I can’t accept you lying to me! What’s the point of lying to me? If you had just told me the truth, I would have understood. Do you think I’m that petty?”
He lied to avoid the hassle of explaining, but it ended up causing even more trouble.
Why was his girlfriend so angry?
Many people say that lying is the most intolerable behavior in relationships. For them, lying destroys the relationship.
Undoubtedly, we all hope that the person we have entrusted with our love and trust will be honest with us. We also believe that a good intimate relationship should be based on honesty and mutual trust.
01
Does your partner lie to you?
Research shows that, on average, 10% of interactions between partners involve deception.
Some lies are carefully planned before being spoken, while others may be blurted out without the liar even realizing it.
As many as 92% of people admit to having lied to their partners.
In fact, it’s very difficult to never lie to your partner about anything in life.
The high rate of lying is partly because, in relationships, we may deceive or hide things in various ways.
For example, when you first start dating someone, many people exaggerate their strengths and hide their weaknesses through lies, such as exaggerating their height.
A man who is 5 feet 7 inches tall might claim to be 5 feet 9 inches, while a man who says he is exactly 6 feet tall is likely not actually 6 feet. You might find such small lies charming when you see your partner blushing and arguing that their height is definitely 180 cm.
However, even in more mature and stable relationships, people often lie to their partners. For instance, when asked about their exes, people may insincerely emphasize how unattractive their exes were, implying that their current partner is much more attractive.
02
Does your partner lie to you?
In ordinary interpersonal interactions, only about a quarter of lies are told to avoid hurting others’ feelings or interests by telling the truth.
This means that most lies are told for one’s own benefit, such as to avoid embarrassment or guilt, to avoid an inconvenience, to seek approval, or to gain something material.
In intimate relationships, self-serving lies decrease, and more lies are told with both parties in mind.
Therefore, the lies we are discussing here do not include those related to emotional betrayal. So, when a lover lies not solely for their own benefit, what might their motives be?
- Avoiding Conflict
For example, if you ask your partner about their ex, they might lie and say, “My ex was really ugly and had no depth. I feel like I was blind back then!” Some people might even hide the fact that they had an ex.
People often lie because they care about the other person—they don’t want you to lose your sense of security. They believe that honesty could lead to suspicion or conflict, and they don’t want their current relationship to be damaged by something irrelevant.
As in this example, many lies in intimate relationships are simply meant to avoid potential conflicts and maintain the relationship.
- Increasing Attractiveness
Haselton (2005) found that both men and women exaggerate their attractiveness through lies when trying to attract the opposite sex.
This might involve concealing the effort you put into your appearance by telling the other person, “I didn’t put on much makeup today,” or “I was in such a hurry that I didn’t have time to get dressed properly.”
Alternatively, you could exaggerate certain things, such as saying, “I work out every week, and now I have eight-pack abs,” or “I can carry two buckets of water up six flights of stairs without stopping to catch my breath.”
These lies are merely intended to make you more attractive to the other person and develop the relationship further.
- Believing one has failed to meet the other person’s expectations
In an intimate relationship, we all hope to gain each other’s approval. However, when the truth fails to satisfy our partner or we assume they won’t be satisfied, lying becomes a common means of concealing these facts.
In such cases, the liar often feels that their behavior hasn’t met their partner’s expectations and is not acceptable to them. They may even feel guilty about their actions. Therefore, they resort to lying to create a “fact” that the other person can accept.
For example, if a husband loses money in the stock market and his wife is disappointed, he would rather make excuses, such as losing the money, having too many social engagements, or lending it to a friend, than tell her and cause her disappointment.
There are many possible motivations behind this behavior, and people may act out of different considerations, which changes the meaning of the behavior.
Therefore, if you discover that your intimate partner is lying to you, instead of getting angry, ask them why.
Partners who inevitably lie are often trying to maintain their relationship. With these positive motives, the impact of such lies in love is no longer entirely negative.
03
Sometimes lies strengthen our relationship
- Keeping love fresh
To increase one’s appeal to a partner, one might conceal minor details that could damage one’s image, yet are ultimately insignificant, or slightly exaggerate existing strengths. These harmless lies make love appear more beautiful and vibrant.
You become the spotless fairy in his eyes, and he becomes the all-powerful hero in your heart. Even if it’s not true, what’s the harm?
- Personal Boundaries
Research shows that at different stages of a relationship, people need to maintain different levels of psychological distance and self-disclosure. Between intimate partners, the level of self-disclosure is higher, but it does not mean complete honesty and no privacy.
In some ways, lying can help us control how much we disclose, maintain healthy boundaries, and protect ourselves and others. It enables both parties to establish and maintain personal boundaries, preserving their privacy and safeguarding their physical, mental, and material well-being.
- Reducing the Risk of Relationship Breakdown
As mentioned earlier, one important purpose of lying in intimate relationships is to avoid conflict and maintain the relationship.
Appropriate lies can prevent unnecessary conflict. When telling the truth is unhelpful, lying may be a better choice for maintaining the relationship.
For example, few people would argue fiercely with a loved one over a movie they dislike but the other person likes.
In “Breaking Bad,” the male protagonist, who is terminally ill, wants to leave his wife and children enough money to survive before facing his own death. Desperate, he takes a dangerous path. To spare his beloved wife from sadness and protect her, he hides his illness and what he is doing.
However, his wife becomes furious over his repeated lies and begins to suspect him of infidelity. She also feels deeply confused: Why are you lying to me?
It’s simply out of love.
Even in a faithful love, lies can exist. An excessive obsession with all truths often destroys the romantic beauty of love.
We do not necessarily consider lies told by partners out of good intentions as good. However, it cannot be denied that not all lies warrant sadness, disappointment, or rage. Not all lies warrant doubting their love for you or ceasing to trust them.
Want to know what other factors besides lies can destroy your intimate relationship?
