I have received emails from several female readers saying that, even when they feel uncomfortable during sex, they find it difficult to say no and will “put up with it” to satisfy their boyfriends’ expectations.
Numerous studies demonstrate that women experience more discomfort than men during sex and have difficulty expressing it.
Sex is meant to be pleasurable. So why does it become something women have to “endure”?
01
Is “not terrible” good enough?
Amelia, 38, shares how she convinced herself to endure discomfort during sex: “Sometimes it really hurts, and I tell him. But other times, the pain isn’t that bad, so I choose to endure it.” At the time, I felt pressured to satisfy him. You’ll find that women’s expectations for sex are much lower than men’s.”
- Unsatisfying sexual behavior is very painful for women
In 2010, Sarah McClellan, a feminist psychologist at the University of Michigan, conducted a study titled Intimate Justice: A Critical Analysis of Sexual Satisfaction,” which revealed that:
When describing “unsatisfying” sexual experiences, men and women use completely different language:
▨ Women use terms representing severe negative emotions: depression, sadness, pain, despair…
▨ Men, on the other hand, use terms like: loneliness, lack of attraction to the sexual partner, insufficient sexual stimulation…
For women, dissatisfaction signifies “potential extreme emotional pain,” while for men it merely means “an experience that wasn’t particularly enjoyable.” Men have never imagined that sexual relationships could be harmful or destructive to themselves.
- Faking orgasms to protect masculinity
A 2018 study of over 1,600 heterosexual married couples found that 43% of husbands “misunderstood the frequency of their wives’ orgasms.”
The main reasons women fake orgasms are to protect their male partners’ self-esteem and to end the sexual encounter because it feels too long.
Women have a harder time enjoying sex and are unsure of their preferences because sexual relationships often focus on meeting the other person’s expectations.
A 2013 UK survey showed that twice as many women as men reported a lack of interest in sex. Reports of lack of enjoyment, physical pain, and difficulty reaching orgasm were also more common among women. Some women stated that they “rarely or almost never felt emotionally close to their partner.”
- More pain and coercion
Women also experience worse sexual experiences than men, such as pain and coercion.
According to a 2015 U.S. study, approximately 30% of women and 7% of men reported experiencing pain during vaginal intercourse. Women were more than three times as likely as men to report pain during vaginal intercourse. Approximately 72% of women and 15% of men reported experiencing pain during anal intercourse. Women were nearly five times more likely than men to report pain during anal intercourse.
According to Australian research, 22% of women have experienced coercion into unwanted sexual behavior, compared to 4% of men. This means that women are over five times more likely than men to experience this type of coercion.
02
The sex education we receive rarely considers women’s pleasure
In the 1970s and 1980s, American sexologist Sherry Heitler compiled the famous “Heitler Sex Report.” She used open-ended questionnaires to survey women about their genuine feelings regarding sexual experiences. Below are a few examples:
▨ “Yes, I must have an orgasm. Otherwise, I’m not a real woman, and it will make my sexual partner feel terrible, even abandoning me. Men prefer having sex with women who have orgasms.”
▨ “Men care more about whether their partner has an orgasm than women do. My orgasm is more important to my husband than it is to me.”
▨ “I’ve always faked orgasms (I’m 62 years old). Male doctors have always advised me: to make my husband happy, I should fake an orgasm for him. I’ve always wondered if there’s something structurally missing in my body after 35 years of marriage, which is why I have to fake it.”
Why does sexual intimacy always mean “satisfying the other person” for women (Aanchez, 2006)? Why do women feel ashamed about masturbation? Why do they have to fake orgasms? Why do they blame themselves for not being able to orgasm, even feeling like they’re “not a real woman”?
One crucial reason is that the messages we receive from TV shows and articles, as well as how our partners treat us in the bedroom, all convey that our pleasure isn’t important.
On TV, women buy lingerie before a date and talk to their friends about how to “satisfy him,” but men never do such things.
We’re told that women aren’t as sexual as men, or that they shouldn’t be. Expressing sexual desire is considered shameful.
Consider the word “orgasm” as another example. Have you heard the claim that women find it harder to reach orgasm than men? This claim attributes women’s difficulty achieving orgasm to gender differences and physical structure. Some media outlets even cite “research findings,” such as the idea that men reach orgasm in 2–10 minutes while women need 20–40 minutes.
However, women are not inherently more difficult to bring to orgasm. According to data from the Kinsey Report on Sexuality, the vast majority of women can reach orgasm within four minutes during masturbation.
The true reason women find it difficult to reach orgasm is that few men understand how to pleasure women during sexual activity.
Studies have found that women are more likely to achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation than through vaginal intercourse, which men prefer. However, satisfying clitoral stimulation for women has long been defined as a preparatory step for satisfying men, i.e., “foreplay.”
As Heidi points out in her book:
In the sexual definitions we know, clitoral stimulation—which enables most women to achieve orgasm—is often excluded. This implies that female orgasms are less important than male orgasms or that women should strive to achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse, which is more suited to men.
Under this male-dominated definition, women cannot pursue their own pleasure. They also bear the “pressure of orgasm.” To maintain male self-esteem or conform to the image of “how a woman should be,” women must achieve orgasm in a way that men imagine, even if it is feigned.
If women cannot meet this standard imagined by men, they are considered “problematic.” In 1970s sexology research, some scholars labeled women who could not achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse as having “vaginal orgasmic dysfunction.”
One woman described the attitudes of the men around her: “Most of the men I’ve had sex with know nothing about female orgasms. Even worse, they believe that if a woman can’t achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse, she needs psychological therapy.”
It is these voices that have linked sex with submission, making it hard for women to imagine demanding more.
Clinical sexologist Tanya Cohen says, “In my work, I have encountered many women who find themselves trapped in a narrative of what they ‘should’ do in the bedroom or who are driven by their partners’ sexual demands. They don’t take the time to be with themselves, figure out what they truly enjoy, and often feel ashamed for doing so.”
As Heidi puts it, this unequal dynamic is hard to articulate and forces women to submit to society’s exclusion and oppression, even in their most private moments.
In gender relationships, the unequal power structure means women are unwilling and unable to demand full satisfaction of their sexual needs while men can take whatever they want. Thus, women are reduced to loyal servants, always on standby to cater to men’s desires and needs.”
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Saying “I am not satisfied” is the first step toward change.
From a psychological perspective, disappointment is also a form of progress because it stems from the belief that one should be satisfied.
Sexual experiences are not just about sex. They reflect an individual’s beliefs about what they are entitled to, encompassing a sense of deservingness in relationships and beyond.
As Sarah McClellan said: “Sexual expectations are a person’s beliefs about their future sexual self.” Sexual satisfaction scores can represent a range of experiences and feelings, including entitlement, rights, and hope.
This difference should be documented and analyzed, not dismissed as mere diversity or taken for granted.
To break this disparity, one can start by believing that “things shouldn’t be this way,” saying “I’m not satisfied,” and believing that one can demand more.
Because dissatisfaction, disappointment, and anger can also empower us; they speak with a defiant attitude:
▨ My feelings deserve respect, and my needs deserve to be met;
▨ I accept that I am unique and do not need to conform to any “standard woman” script;
▨ The relationship I want should first and foremost be equal; I should not place my needs below those of the other person;
▨ I always have the right to speak my mind and pursue my own physical and emotional happiness.
