Have you and your partner ever found yourselves in this situation in an intimate relationship?
To outsiders, you appear to be the perfect couple—caring for each other and treating each other with respect. But in reality, you sleep in the same bed while dreaming different dreams. You appear to be together, but you are actually drifting apart.
There are many reasons why you are together.
“Their conditions match mine well. We’re a good match.” “We’re at an age where it’s time to have a partner.” “Living away from home, having someone by your side makes you feel less alone.” “There’s no love involved. It’s just about getting by, and simplicity is the truth.”
Among all these reasons, one thing is missing: love.
In your daily interactions, you maintain clear financial records and strive to avoid owing each other anything. You negotiate family matters amicably and yield to each other on trivial matters. However, you struggle to discuss heartbreaking moments and never expose your vulnerable sides.
Like two roommates with a strong sense of contractual obligation, you silently fulfill your “duties” in the relationship because you feel you should.
If you have ever been in a similar situation, you may have been in a pseudo-intimate relationship, or “irrelationship.”
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Causes of “Pseudo-Intimacy”
Though not a professional psychological term, “pseudo-intimacy” is a term that has gained popularity in recent years. Though not a professional psychological term, it accurately describes the state of many people in intimate relationships.
As psychologist Zeng Qifeng once said, “In ordinary interpersonal relationships, we suppress ourselves. But in intimate relationships, we can ‘act freely.'”
However, in pseudo-intimate relationships, we find it difficult to “act freely” even with the people closest to us.
In such relationships, we struggle to remove our masks and reveal our true selves to others. We may appear to live intimately together, yet we never truly enter each other’s inner worlds.
From a psychological perspective, the development of “pseudo-intimate relationships” is closely linked to one’s early family environment.
Developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth introduced the concepts of “avoidant attachment” and “anxious attachment” in her attachment theory. These concepts refer to emotional attachment patterns in intimate relationships that emerge when emotional needs are not met by positive responses from caregivers during childhood.
For example, if a child does not receive comfort from their parents when they are sad or upset, but instead faces punishment or physical abuse.
Over time, they may come to believe that their emotions and needs are unimportant or even wrong.
Alternatively, parents may fail to express their true feelings, resorting to emotional manipulation and control in their interactions with their children.
In order to avoid getting hurt, children gradually develop self-defense mechanisms when interacting with their parents, which makes it difficult for them to reveal their true selves.
When these emotional expression patterns carry over into intimate relationships with partners, “pseudo-intimacy” arises.
They never express their true emotions because they believe them to be unimportant. This eventually cuts off channels for deep communication with their partner.
Fearing that their true selves will be ignored or rejected, they build emotional barriers and arm themselves with coldness and detachment to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Having never experienced full acceptance, they no longer believe that anyone could love an imperfect, vulnerable, and flawed version of themselves.
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Love is a game for the brave.
However, true love is always a game for the brave, because relationships based on fear and distrust never touch the core of love.
To love someone means to expose your true self to them, including your fears, selfishness, recklessness, and stubbornness.
In a sense, love is giving your soft underbelly to someone else, giving them the power to hurt you.
As the quote from The Little Prince says:
“If you want to create bonds with others, you have to take the risk of crying.
You can only see and embrace the equally wounded soul of another by fully accepting and acknowledging every emotion and aspect of yourself. Only by believing that true love is unconditional can you remove the mask of false intimacy and love freely and passionately.
May you be able to be a child in love—enjoying flowers, beautiful scenery, and candlelit dinners with your partner—and sharing every moment, whether good or bad.
