I met a friend who lives in New York at a music festival. When we talked about dating, she said the same thing. No one wants to settle down, ghosting is commonplace, and very few people have basic human decency.
In my opinion, finding true love in any major international city is much harder than finding a job.
I was introduced to dating through Sex and the City. Back then, I loved the image of the urban woman. When I rewatched the show a few years ago, I was surprised to find that most of the phenomena depicted still apply today, nearly 30 years later. However, I no longer miss dating in a big city.
01 In a big city, everyone feels they have plenty of options and that the next person will be better.
The fast-paced life of a metropolis leaves little time or energy for dating—perhaps only in Paris do people have time to date—and patience is scarce. Everyone believes they have plenty of options.
Dating is like eating fast food: most people lack the curiosity and patience to get to know someone deeply. People avoid taking risks and act opportunistically, always seeking the next opportunity instead of settling down.
Ultimately, people have lost touch with what deep connections mean, becoming increasingly numb and incapable of love.
02 Dating in big cities inevitably involves more superficiality and vanity.
People in big cities are first defined by labels such as family background, education, job, and income. These are also the things that people care about most when dating, as well as the initial image they present to others.
After all, not doing well in a big city seems more embarrassing than not doing well back home. I don’t know why that is. It’s as if “I met another finance guy today” is something to brag about. The more glamorous the job sounds, the better. I don’t really know what he actually does, but it sounds impressive.
03 In big cities, dating has become a lifestyle.
Dating is not a means but an end in big cities, gradually evolving into a new lifestyle.
When I was younger, I tried this lifestyle, and it was interesting. Want to go to a new place or try a new experience? If your friends are busy, you can just go with your dating partner.
However, over time, constantly switching between different people starts to feel hollow and boring because it only provides superficial connections and sensory stimulation, not lasting fulfillment.
04 Although it’s easy to find rich and interesting experiences in a metropolis, settling down is much harder.
Objectively speaking, metropolises have high population mobility. Many people in metropolises are going through transitional phases in life—from students to working professionals, changing jobs, and moving cities—and many view the city as a temporary home.
Take Amsterdam, for example. Though not strictly a metropolis, it has high population diversity and mobility. Very few of the people I knew five years ago still live there today. Large cities are often seen as a stepping stone during one’s youth, whether during one’s student years or when earning money, or as a means to accumulate life experiences.
Consequently, many people met in big cities never intend to settle down, which leads to greater uncertainty in dating. In Europe, I’ve noticed that people from slightly larger cities tend to settle down later in life, while those from smaller cities or towns may form more genuine emotional connections earlier on. Of course, there are exceptions, but this is a general observation.
Dating in a metropolis has its advantages, such as novel experiences, entertainment, and a higher likelihood of meeting interesting, open-minded people. However, I don’t miss opportunism, ghosting, vanity, or worldliness.
Nevertheless, you shouldn’t choose your city of residence solely based on dating. Choose an environment that aligns with your preferred lifestyle and believe that there are people suited to you in every environment.
