The disappearance of sexual desire is a common issue in long-term intimate relationships.
A friend told me that since getting married and having children, she has been busy with breastfeeding, childcare, and working remotely. This has left her severely sleep-deprived. Sexual activity is rare and often feels forced.
Her husband works long hours, and she often finds herself annoyed by him. As an older couple, there’s little attraction left. It’s like the joke in a comedy sketch: “A middle-aged couple shares a kiss, and it haunts them in nightmares for days.”
She reminds me of a popular Instagram post: The “formula” for a mother’s sexual desire is (hours of sleep + number of meals × partner’s support) ÷ (number of times the child interacts with her + number of times the partner criticizes her), which results in nearly zero.
In reality, women’s sexual desire is more sensitive and nuanced. It’s influenced by chronic stress, mental state, and relationship quality. A stressful life means they’re not “unwilling” but “unable.”
Today, let’s explore this issue from a woman’s perspective. Why do chronic stress and trauma so deeply impact their sexual experiences?
01
Physical arousal doesn’t necessarily mean “she wants it.”
For most women, sexual desire precedes arousal.
In other words, she doesn’t wake up in the morning “wanting it”; she needs to warm up first. Sometimes, even if she is physically aroused, she still needs a sense of security and an emotional connection.
About 70% of women rarely experience a sudden urge to have sex. Women’s sexual desire depends more on the environment. Sex educator Emily Nagoski describes the two main types of sexual desire:
▨ “Spontaneous sexual desire”: the sudden urge to engage in sexual activity.
▨ “Responsive sexual desire”: Sexual desire that arises in response to sexual arousal or stimulation.
▨ “Context-dependent sexual desire”: Sexual desire that is neither spontaneous nor solely dependent on physical arousal but rather influenced by specific contexts, including emotional state, relationship quality, physical sensations, and environmental safety.
Undoubtedly, “responsive sexual desire” challenges the classic narrative about sexuality. We often hear the saying: “When a person’s body reacts, it means she wants it.” In literary narratives especially, sexuality is often depicted as a supernatural “instinct” or “primitive desire.”
However, this is not the whole story. In reality, the process of sexuality is far more complex than primitive instincts. Sex therapist Christine Hyde uses the metaphor of “a party” to describe the sexual process: “Sexual relationships are like attending a party with good friends. You put on party clothes, arrange for someone to watch your children, lie in bed with your partner, let your skin touch theirs, and let your body awaken. At the same time, remember that the other person desires you greatly.”
Another easily overlooked fact from a biological science perspective is the inconsistency between human bodily reactions and psychological feelings, known as “mind-body inconsistency.”
Sexual psychologist Meredith Chivers conducted an experiment in which she divided men and women into groups and had them watch pornographic videos while recording their genital responses. By comparing the participants’ genital responses, such as vaginal lubrication and engorgement, with their subjective experiences of sexual arousal, she found that men’s subjective and objective arousal were highly consistent at about 50%-60%, while women’s were only about 10%-20%.
The body may exhibit signs of physiological arousal, such as lubrication and increased blood flow, but the mind may not feel the same way. This inconsistency stems from a lack of coordination between the genital and central nervous systems. Women’s genitalia respond to stimuli in a relatively generalized manner, while the brain is more sensitive to context.
02
Chronic stress leaves women unresponsive, while men use sex to relieve stress.
A study tracked daily stress, sexual desire, sexual satisfaction, and sexual behavior in couples over three months. The results showed that when women experienced increased stress, their frequency of sexual activity and satisfaction decreased significantly on the same day. In contrast, men were more likely to engage in sexual activity under stress, even viewing it as a form of relief.
A friend told me that she often works late into the night. By the time she gets home, she is still preoccupied with unfinished projects. She has little energy left for sex and would rather play video games or watch TV.
Chronic stress in daily life easily erodes women’s sexual desire. Under high-pressure conditions, the hypothalamic–pituitary–gonadal (HPG) axis function weakens, making women less responsive to sexual pleasure and less open to physical intimacy. When the quality of communication and intimacy in a relationship is poor, sex is often pushed to the bottom of the priority list.
Sex psychologist Van Anders suggests that, in traditional heterosexual relationships, women often feel structurally unequal due to shouldering more household chores and emotional labor. This “relationship imbalance” gradually affects their sexual desire.
New Zealand blogger Maddie posted a “formula” on Instagram to measure a mother’s sexual desire: (hours of sleep + number of meals × partner support) ÷ (number of times the child touches her + number of times the partner criticizes her) = nearly zero sexual desire.
Long-term family care, high-pressure work, lack of sleep, and lack of supportive intimate relationships can all lead to chronic stress in women. A study of women’s sexual experiences during the pandemic revealed a significant correlation between stress-related life events and reduced sexual desire, especially among new parents and long-term caregivers in the later stages of the pandemic.
How does stress erode women’s sexual desire? To answer this question, we must consider the key factors that influence sexual desire. According to the dual-control model, sex is not a biological drive, but rather an incentive system driven by curiosity, context, and meaning.
▨ Sexual accelerator: Noticing all sexually related information in the environment. Everything you see, hear, smell, touch, taste, or imagine is encoded by the brain as a sexually related signal, sending an “on” command.
▨ Sexual brakes: Operating in parallel with the accelerator system, it collects all reasons not to accelerate. The brain encodes everything you see, hear, smell, touch, taste, or imagine as a “potential threat,” triggering a “shutdown” signal.
The pressures of life clearly fall under the category of sexual brakes. Women lack sexual desire not because the accelerator is too weak, but because the brakes are too sensitive.
03
Chronic trauma can cause women to “feel nothing.”
If a partner complains that our actions are too mechanical or lack feeling, it is likely that we are experiencing a trauma response.
Molly Kochan, the real-life inspiration for the TV show Dying for Sex, experienced sexual abuse as a child. In a podcast, she described how, during her adult sexual encounters, her body was present, but her mind was completely absent. This extreme disconnect between body and mind is likely a psychological phenomenon known as “freezing.”
“Freezing” is an instinctive defense mechanism that humans activate in response to threats alongside the “fight” and “flight” responses. Why do people freeze when faced with a threat? If we compare the threat to a lion, one cannot flee or fight back when encountering a lion—only remain motionless. The hope is to reduce the massive creature’s attention.)
It is worth noting that catastrophic events are not the only things that can cause humans to freeze. Prolonged humiliation, denial, or control in a relationship can also cause the nervous system to disconnect the body’s pathways. As psychotherapist Judith Herman has said, trauma is not always a sudden, catastrophic event. More commonly, it is the normalization of humiliation, control, and neglect.
If a woman tells you that she feels “nothing” or that her “mind goes blank” during sexual activity, it might be worth discussing her trauma history with her. The following concepts can help us understand what “trauma” is:
▨ Acute trauma: This refers to the psychological and physiological reactions triggered by sudden, intense, threatening events. It usually occurs during a specific event, such as a car accident, rape, natural disaster, or violent attack.
▨ Chronic/Complex Trauma: This refers to an individual who is subjected to repeated threats and control over an extended period. This is often the result of oppression in intimate relationships, such as domestic violence, emotional neglect, or power imbalances.
Trauma experienced by women is more common than we might imagine. According to a 2021 global survey by the World Health Organization, approximately 27% of women aged 15–49 have experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner. Globally, 6% of women have reported non-partner sexual violence. In the United States, one in five women has experienced rape or attempted rape as an adult, and one in four women has experienced sexual abuse as a child.
Beyond physical violence, women tend to avoid sexual activity and experience bodily dissociation after facing image-based violence, such as false rumors or unauthorized photography. They are also more likely to develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Perhaps, then, we can understand why, after being diagnosed with late-stage breast cancer, Molly Kochan suddenly decided to divorce and connect with nearly 200 short-term sexual partners. As one media outlet commented, “She is not seeking sex, but asking, ‘Can I still feel myself?'”
For Kochan, sexual pleasure meant that her body had regained sensitivity and was no longer in a prolonged state of numbness.
04
Tips for Enjoying Sexual Pleasure:
“Lack of sexual desire” does not mean that something is wrong with you. On the contrary, it is a form of bodily language that says, “I’m too tired,” “I need to be understood,” or “I need space.” How can you take care of yourself? I have compiled advice from sex educators.
- Assess whether your current relationship has the following two elements:
▨ A deep friendship between partners, supporting each other like friends while emotionally standing by one another.
▨ Prioritizing intimacy: Both partners agree to temporarily set aside daily tasks, work, socializing, and binge-watching shows to dedicate time and space to each other.
- Sexual desire is closely linked to life.
Assess whether your living environment is conducive enough. Emily Nagoski summarizes a good environment as “low stress, high emotion, and high trust.” Ask yourself: Have you suppressed your emotions? Have your needs been adequately met? Have you truly gotten enough sleep?
- Focusing on the present enhances the experience of pleasure.
When various thoughts flood the mind like a waterfall, mindfulness may be worth trying. Research shows that meditation and breathing exercises help us shift our attention away from judgment and anxiety and back to bodily sensations. At such moments, it becomes easier to experience sexual pleasure.
Final thoughts:
Sex is not the only way to foster intimacy. Prioritize self-care within your relationship.
